Sometimes we have to ask ourselves “Do I want to be right or do I want peace?” Many times I asked myself this question and I’ve arrived at the conclusion that I just want to be right. I see how this kind of divisive thinking really has unpleasant long term effects. Now, even when I feel I am the one in the right, more than ever, I want peace.
Back in the 80s, when I began training to be a social worker and psychotherapist, the prevailing wisdom was to tell people what you think. Let them know your “TRUTH”. Now I can see that this “truth” is often the ego’s truth, fueled by fear, anger or vindictiveness. “Speak your truth, even while your knees shake” may be most useful with our life coach rather than with someone who has been unkind or abusive to us. It is highly unlikely that the person who has wounded us deeply would be the one to restore our tranquility.
When we have a break-up we may be tempted to tell our former beloved what a jerk he is, that he is a terrible lover and furthermore, that he meets ALL the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. Bloop! But, why make an enemy where we might have peace someday? Probably not a friend, but an experience of serenity, goodwill and acceptance.
How often has someone given us even the most benign feedback about our hair, our dress or some little thing and we were undone by it? Most people can’t handle feedback. So in most cases, I wonder, “Why bother?” This person probably has some inkling of what their personal dynamics are based on outcomes. If their shadow is so deeply repressed that they have not a single clue, why would we think that our offered insight would be helpful? Are we teaching her a lesson by dumping her off of Facebook, or are we just hurting someone’s feelings or angering and rejecting them unnecessarily?
One of my friends told me about a workshop he participated in in the early 80s. Participants would each be focused on in small groups and the other group members would offer constructive criticism. While this might be helpful in some ways, the premise seems to clash with what we know now. Focusing on the negative expands it. Perhaps more importantly, don Miguel Ruiz wrote in the Four Agreements “Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” Further, anything that people are focused on with their physical eyes is not ultimately the true person. So what if your group doesn’t like your hair, your dress or your manner? Leo Buscaglia was famous for saying if you hate your big thighs you become a victim of that thinking. Embrace your big thighs and you will find a world of big thigh lovers!
Wayne Dyer once told a story about a tribe that supported and continued to embrace members who had broken the rules of the community. The offender would be made to stand in the community center while members of the tribe would come by and say positive things to the person until peace was restored. We can dump all the people who bug us, who have offended us, and who have betrayed us. At the end of the day, really, who would be left? We might recognize our Facebook community as a mirror for ourselves. So hum! (I AM that). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1uQstbRlBQ
When we delete people off Facebook we often want to just leave them behind. If we have to do this, how might we do this on a compassionate note? Also, if we want to leave someone or something behind, how can we do it in a way that is considerate to all? Moreover, if you have been wronged, what high road might you take? Even if you are “right”? This does not mean you have to stay married, date, or look at someone’s Facebook posts that hurt you. My mother told me recently about her friend’s daughter whose estranged husband posted pictures of he and his new lover in Mexico with rose petals leading to the boudoir. ¡Aye caramba! In that case, I might delete him, block his posts, stay off of Facebook or maybe start a new page where I was free to post pictures of my lover and I frolicking in abandon in our Tantric love den (I like this last idea best!). While taking into consideration your physical and emotional safety, how might you leave the door open to peace and acceptance?
The real deleting happens between our ears and isn’t done with the keyboard. And really, can we ever truly separate from another? Choose supportive thoughts. Know that the Universe (God, Creator, the Divine, the organic patterning of the life force) really does have your back. Capitalize on the good stuff. Emphasize the light. Take what you learned and maximize its gifts. Bite your tongue until you calm down. Don’t be too quick to burn bridges.
I’ve always liked the work of family systems therapist Murray Bowen and his concept called emotional cutoff. “The concept of emotional cutoff describes people managing their unresolved emotional issues with parents, siblings, and other family members by reducing or totally cutting off emotional contact with them.” [The Bowen Center]. The problem is that cutting people off usually doesn’t work as far as getting them out of your head (but sometimes it does). As a life coach I’ve frequently heard people complaining about a spouse they divorced 20 years ago or feeling actively upset by the behavior of someone long dead. Sometimes healing takes place in allowing energy to come into our space, or onto our page, knowing that we are anchored in love and peace.
While I don’t believe the following Audrey Hepburn quote to be true in the absolute, certainly we could inject our contemplated partings with more sensitivity “People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”
(c) 2012 Jeanine Marie Austin, Ph.D., C.Ht.
Doctor of Life Coaching, Certified Hypnotherapist
Simply Divine Solutions
Life Coaching and Hypnosis Worldwide
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Tags: 4 Agreements, A Course in Miracles, Audrey Hepburn, Break-up, Communicating Truth, Constructive Criticism, Delete Facebook, don Miguel Ruiz, Emotional Cut-off, Facebook, Facebook Break-up, Feedback, I Am that, Leo Buscaglia, life coaching, Murray Bowen, peace, Should I delete him/her?, So Hum, Spiritual Coaching, spiritual life coaching, wayne dyer
